


Sick Strange Darkness

by sweetcarolanne



Category: I Miss You - Blink-182 (Song)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Healing, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Nightmares, Past Character Death, Reconciliation, Relationship(s), Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Romance, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:18:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7040518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetcarolanne/pseuds/sweetcarolanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haunted by his sister's suicide and what he believes to be a break-up with the man he loves, a young man finds himself unable to sleep, and wishing even for a nightmare to bring him a semblance of peace...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sick Strange Darkness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shadow_lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_lover/gifts).



> Dear shadow_lover, I hope you enjoy this extra treat! I knew I had to write something for you the moment I saw your prompts, which are always so good!
> 
> Many thanks to my beta, who wishes to remain anonymous.
> 
> DISLCAIMER: I do not own the song that this story is based on and am not making any money from this story.

It was five years ago to the day since Melanie had died, and as was usual for the anniversary of her death, Daniel could not sleep.

But this time it was worse. He had not been able to get any rest for the past two nights, and it was scarier than before because of how the same dark feelings Mel had spoken of all those years ago were gripping him now. It was like a nightmare from which he could not wake up, no matter how he tried. 

He stared at the blank screen of the computer he had just switched off, and felt as if a silent scream was building up inside his head.

Daniel was no stranger to nightmares. The girl he still thought of as his baby sister – though there had been an age gap of only two years between them – sometimes appeared in them as an angel. A literal, celestial angel with a real halo and wings. A tattered, dilapidated little Gothic angel, beautiful yet infinitely dismal in the way she stood and gazed at her brother. She never spoke, either to bless or accuse him; she only stayed there in front of him looking sad and rather unkempt, her wings a dingy brownish shade instead of the traditional white or black or gold, and her halo, although silver, was definitely tarnished and dented. She seemed decidedly worse for wear, and it made Daniel wonder if Heaven – if Heaven was in fact a real place instead of a pretty fairy tale for children – somehow still had her on probation, attempting to earn for herself a more illustrious and permanent angelic state.

It was hard to imagine her as the grown woman she would be now if she were still alive – he could only see the child she used to be or the troubled teen she had been when she took her own life. Fifteen – God help him, if there was indeed a God – she had only been fifteen. How could someone so young have carried such a burden of pain?

He missed her so much, but it crushed him to see her so miserable in dream after dream. Yet even one of those ghastly night-time reveries would be preferable to his current insomnia, the sadness that seemed to be eating him from within and the guilt over what he had said in that awful blog comment to Grady.

Daniel was missing Grady almost as intensely as he missed Melanie. Even though it was not completely certain that the man he loved was actually gone for good. But after what Daniel had said in that last but one blog post of his, he doubted that he would ever be forgiven. The whole screed must have come across as mightily offensive, although he had not intended it to sound that way.

He could not get Grady out of his mind, even while Mel’s memory was still haunting him. How Daniel longed for his boyfriend to be with him right that very minute – his strong, beautiful Grady with the gentle, easy smile and the magic hands. Daniel’s fingers drummed with frustration against the edge of the useless keyboard, and he grimaced. He would rather be running them slowly over Grady’s broad chest, or through the tousled softness of his dark curly hair. One kiss from Grady would make everything so much easier to bear. The hurt would not be gone, but the weight of sorrow would be halved by having someone to talk to, and more importantly, someone to hold him while he cried the tears he was too ashamed to show to anybody else.

But instead of seeking comfort and Grady’s loving embrace, he had gone and thrown away the most precious thing left to him in this bleak world he inhabited, bitter, saddened and alone.

Those unwise words he had put out online were not meant to hurt Grady, and what he had said had nothing to do with Grady being in a wheelchair either. He had stated in his post that Grady could not possibly know how it felt to get so low in mood, to feel like there was next to no hope left, and he doubted that Grady could even handle being in such a frightening mental space. But Daniel knew that Grady was a very resilient person, and he suspected that he himself was actually the weaker of the two. Truth be told, Grady had coping mechanisms for the hard times that Daniel could not even bring himself to dream of.

Daniel envied Grady for his talent at taking his feelings and working them out through fiction. His lover was an expert at letting himself out of the prison that the everyday world could sometimes be and embarking on a journey through flights of fantasy, both for therapy and fun. And it was this envy that had led to a touch of resentment on Daniel’s part, and thus to the passive-aggressive act that was the blog post.

 _Grady must have seen the post by now_ , Daniel told himself, his insides twisting into knots with anxiety and regret. _And after that, will he even bother to read the next one? If it was me in that position, I know I wouldn’t_ … 

His last post had been rambling, and full of attempted apologies to Grady. Daniel had struggled to express how he was feeling – the sickness in his heart, the darkness everywhere he looked, and the times he was tempted to just throw in the towel and join Mel in what he imagined during these desperate moments must be peace – and his pain and sleeplessness made him feel like he was spilling his very blood into the words on the screen.

All he could think of now, however, was that he wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and talk to Grady, or even better, to go straight around to Grady’s apartment and throw himself into his boyfriend’s arms.

He knew that he could not talk to his parents about what he was going through – his dad would not know what to say, and his mom would just start crying at the very first mention of Melanie. And it was no use calling his older sister all the way out there in Los Angeles. Gloria had refused to talk about the event – even thinking the word “suicide” seemed too gut-wrenching to accomplish – ever since it had happened.

Daniel stared at the darkened computer screen again and sighed. He wished he could sleep, even if he dreamed of Melanie the bedraggled angel again. He wished he could stop hurting forever. He wished that he was with Grady, right that very moment.

And it was then that he heard the voice in his head – was it a waking dream, or a hallucination? It was Melanie’s voice, at any rate, and the words were calm and clear, spoken gently and without reproach.

“Call him.”

Before he realized what he was doing, Daniel had picked up the phone and begun to dial.

He somehow knew Grady would still be up, even at that late hour. When his lover got inspired enough to write a story, there would be little rest until he was satisfied with what he had created.

Daniel’s hands shook slightly as he heard Grady’s warm deep voice answer, “Hello?”

“Grady? It’s me, Dan. Listen, I’ve been an idiot. I’m really, really sorry. I just…”

“Hey, it’s OK. I know you’re going through a very rough time right now.”

There was no condemnation or judgement in Grady’s tone, just tenderness and concern. After a few seconds of silence as Daniel trembled a little more and vainly attempted to bite back a sob, Grady spoke again.

“I just read your last post, and I was really worried about you. I’m so glad you called, or I would have. Wanna come over?”


End file.
